Testimony: Broken Brain, Fortified Faith

By Virginia Pillars

Featured in Sharing Your Catholic Faith Story: Tools, Tips, and Testimonies

I  am a “cradle Catholic.” My family and both sets of grandparents attended the same Catholic parish. My first outing after birth was to church where I received the Sacrament of Baptism.

I grew up in a large farm family with eight brothers and two surviving sisters. For many years, at least one of us occupied a desk at our parish grade school. Before I reached puberty, I’d received the Sacraments of Confession, First Holy Communion, and Confirmation. Saturday afternoon trips to the confessional, along with weekly Sunday Mass, were part of our routine.

1975, I stood next to Roy, a Catholic boy from a neighboring farm community, and we received the Sacrament of Matrimony. Together we raised four children as we built our farming operation to a comfortable level. I guess to many around us we may have seemed like the ideal Catholic farm family. And if I’m honest with myself, I felt that life had treated us well.

I felt blessed. Until late 2004, when our life changed almost overnight.

Faith Challenge

Our life deteriorated daily at an alarming rate. Chaos seemed to close in from all sides. We went from what I perceived as a “normal” life for our family into one that made little sense. And I had to find a new path for my faith journey that challenged, educated, and humbled me more than I ever dreamed was possible.

On December 9, 2004, at my suggestion, our daughter Amber came home for the weekend. At age twenty-four, she had a college degree and a full-time job as a youth minister in a town about sixty miles away, but during the past months I had witnessed a change in her. She seemed to have lost her zest for life. She assured me that she had things under control. That day her employer, who was disturbed by Amber’s behavior, called me. I called Amber and, after hearing her sobs over the phone, I shared her employer’s concerns. I raced to her apartment at ninety miles per hour and brought her home for what I thought would be a long weekend.

Those three days morphed into weeks. During that time, her brain broke, and we no longer shared the same reality. Memories, fears, and imagined sights and sounds melded into a frightening world for her. Nothing we said could convince her that these things were not happening. She seemed trapped in her mind, a place that included a conspiracy to kill her.

Even with my large family and circle of close friends, I had never felt more alone in my life. I didn’t know where to turn for help. The Christmas season that year was anything but joyful. During a family party, Amber lashed out at her sister-in-law, completely unprovoked. We knew she needed help, but didn’t know what to do. We’d tried hospitalization, but she checked herself out again. We tried medication, but she eventually refused to take most of it. Roy and I realized that this situation was beyond our understanding, but we were at a loss on what to try next.

Abandoned

Desperation, fear, anxiety, and confusion all combined into the feeling that God had abandoned me. My faith hit the wall of uncertainty. The faith that I had carried all my life seemed far away. Sure, I still punched the proverbial time clock as I physically made my appearance at Sunday Mass. I recited the prayers and received the Eucharist, but in reality, I just clocked in and clocked out, nothing more.

Nothing to take home with me. Nothing that I felt sustained me for what I faced within the walls of my home. I fulfilled my Sunday obligation, period. I felt alone, scared, and angry with God. Prayers and readings had no meaning for me . . .until I learned of a group of wonderful people who pulled me into their circle of friendship of caring and guidance. I found NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, an organization of individuals banded together to improve the lives of those living with mental illness. They supported me, a stranger, and helped me begin my journey to a new “normal.”

At their encouragement, I shared our situation with our families and my closest friends. Additional support arrived in the form of notes, letters, and faxes with the promise of prayers for us, as well as stories of their experiences. It strengthened me.

I realized I needed to address both mind and spirit to face this Goliath of fear. I inhaled several books that taught me about the brain and what happens to it during mental illness. I tucked the lessons about how to manage and cope into my arsenal of defense. I returned to daily devotional reading and prayer, and listened to songs of faith. Sometimes I kept the house silent as I worked, while I talked out my frustrations and worries to God. Through this, I realized that God hadn’t chosen Amber and said, “I give you schizophrenia.” I went from “Why are you doing this?” to “What should I do?” During prayer, ideas came to me on how to cope, how to improve our situation, and what to do next.

Still, we watched in agony as schizophrenia unleashed the many nasty symptoms it had to offer. Medicine didn’t work, and Amber’s symptoms worsened at an alarming rate. I asked my family and friends to join me in three specific prayer requests: that the doctors would find the right cocktail of medication to help Amber; that she would understand her illness; and that I would find wisdom and understanding.

Amber’s Breakthrough

The doctors tried different medications and increased dosages, which led to a horrific dystonic reaction for Amber. She lost control of her muscles as they stiffened and convulsed. Through those terrifying moments, Amber had a breakthrough. The medication that lessened the reaction became the catalyst for her to understand her illness. She realized her need for medicine and her healing began. The process was slow, filled with disappointment and frustration, but it also assured me that God had not abandoned me.

Upon Amber’s release from hospital care to our home, ideas to retrain her brain came to me during morning devotion time. Brain games became part of our daily routine, along with creating an environment for her to heal. I managed her medications and treated her as though she’d come home after cancer treatments. I let her decide when to sleep, how much to eat and how to spend her time. We watched her health improve with tiny steps forward, back, and then forward again.

In 2004, I brought my daughter home for a weekend that lasted four years. During those years, healing occurred, both for Amber and for me. Now I look at my daughter Amber and see a miracle. I look back over the past twelve years and see the hand of God at work—the gift of healing. During those years, Amber worked to regain her health. Today, she understands her illness—there is no cure, but with medication and the proper lifestyle she can manage it. She works full-time, lives in her own apartment, manages all her finances and affairs, and leads an active social life. Best of all, she remains devoted to God.

I came to understand that the many avenues of support I received from those around me were an extension of God’s love and care. Family and friends acted as God’s hands. Each letter, card, and love in action bolstered my spirit. Through them, God answered my pleas for help. Today, I no longer just punch a clock each time I attend Mass. It’s a time of worship. The prayers and the song lyrics help to renew, fortify, and strengthen me as I go. I relish my morning devotional reading and prayer time.

Now, I share our story and hope—that recovery is possible.I also volunteer for the NAMI organization to support other families that deal with mental illness, where I teach a class for families and lead support groups. I want to allow God’s love and mercy to flow to them as it flowed to me. If I can be that vessel for others, it gives my experiences meaning and glorifies God.

Virginia Pillars is an author, speaker, and mental health volunteer. Her book, Broken Brain, Fortified Faith: Lessons of Hope Through a Child’s Mental Illness, won the 􀍶􀍴􀍵􀍻 Selah Award for Memoir and the CWG Seal of Approval. She has contributed to Grief Diaries: Poetry, Prose and More and The  Mighty online community. She blogs at www.virginiapillars.com.