My Amazing Grace Story in Three Stages
by Diane Roe
Diane’s testimony is an excerpt from Sharing Your Catholic Faith Story: Tools, Tips, and Testimonies by Nancy HC Ward.
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Who was I before?
I was the person in the song, “Amazing Grace.” I was lost, and I was blind.
I became lost at an early age through a circumstance that I had no control over, but it set me on the wrong path. I grew up in New York in a family of eight. My mom was Catholic, and my dad was Lutheran. Every Sunday he stayed home while she faithfully took us to church.
When I was eight years old, a drunk driver killed my sixteen-year-old brother, Donald. I remember Donald as the good boy in the family. After his death, I heard everyone say, “Because he was a good boy, he is with God in Heaven.” Well, that’s how my eight-year-old mind interpreted his death and that’s how I got off on the wrong path.
As a young teenager, I thought it would be safer not to be too good. I didn’t want to die. Besides, I wanted to have fun. “I might die when I’m sixteen,” I thought. The Billy Joel song, “Only the Good Die Young,” became my song.
I now realize that Jesus, my Shepherd, was searching for me. With the sight I have now, I can see, as if in a rear-view mirror, back into my life. I see almost exactly when he started calling me out of the woods.
But I had to go through the thorns, the darkness, and several storms first.
In June of 1994, I was forced to resign from my job in North Carolina, a job I loved, after working there for twelve years. The thorns of unforgiveness and resentment took hold in my heart. These thorns caused emotional scars that still prick from time to time. My husband also carried thorns of anger and guilt, and so we planned a new future.
The darkness came in September. My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and had little time to live. My mother suffered from severe depression. In October, as my husband left for Europe on a sabbatical, I went to Florida to take care of my dad and mom. At the time, those three months seemed like the worst period of my life. I was close to my dad and I had to watch him die.
The worst part about it was that I had little, if any, faith. I had no idea who God was, or where he was, or if he was. I was lost in darkness! I was angry; I was mad at life. I was with my dad when he died two days after Christmas.
We got back to North Carolina in January and started planning to move from there. Where would we go? I started to get sick—ulcer pains I thought. It made sense after what I have been through, right? I went to the doctor and that night he called me to tell me I was pregnant. I was scared. I was not in control of my life.
A month later, we received a terrific job opportunity in Dallas. I was not happy trading the lush green of North Carolina for the dry brown of Texas. We moved to Dallas in June and six weeks later came my premature daughter. I don’t think I adjusted very well to my new life as a mom. I was definitely not in control, and it was not easy. But I still went to church.
2. What God-moment happened to change me?
The storm came.
My husband and I started having serious marital problems. I was stressed, depressed—you name it. Were we headed for divorce?
Jesus found me in the middle of this storm in February of 1998. One night, crying my eyes out in agony, I knelt down and turned to God, if he was there, for help. I acknowledged all my past sins and asked him to do whatever it takes. I said, “Perhaps this marriage was not your plan for me, God? If you want this marriage dissolved, then I will trust you. If you want it to stay intact, please show me the way.”
That night I had an awesome experience, which I can’t really explain. I felt a big comforting hug engulfing me as I slept. The storm ceased. I awoke to recall that awesome feeling, knowing something had happened. What was amazing was that I also had a déjà vu feeling, a familiar presence that stayed with me.
The day I found my way to a support group, everything just started falling into place. As I look back, it was like a dam bursting open, filled with life jackets.
I learned to “let go and let God.” I was smiling again. I had found new friends to share my experiences, friends who cared. I wanted new life; I could feel it. Yes, I was still going to church. I had always gone to church; I was a good Catholic! But now I wanted to go to church. I was listening, and I was hearing for the first time. My ears and heart were suddenly open to the things the deacon at our parish was preaching. The pieces began to fall into place; everything made sense—God desired to be in control of my life! Would I let him?
A wonderful woman sat next to me in church one day. She saw the tears in my eyes as I struggled to sing. That angel was the deacon’s wife. She held out a hand to me and soon became my spiritual mentor.
3. Who am I now?
By God’s grace and mercy working through her and many others, I became a woman on fire for God, reading the Bible and feeling that thirst for the Word, for truth. I have discovered that God is always there for us and that he will continue to feed us if we are open. I learned that he is always calling us if we will just listen. All the answers are in God’s Word and his Church. All the answers are with Jesus!
Diane Roe is a wife, mother, and former researcher in biochemical genetics at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, TX. A former catechist, she leads the women’s Bible study at Our Lady of the Lake Parish in Rockwall, TX, and works with Augustine Institute of Theology, of which she is an alumna.
